I fucking miss sleep. It used to be a nice treat and now I don't get to enjoy it. Ever!
I have to paralyse myself to go to sleep. I need to numb my brain in order to be able to get the smallest chance of getting the needed rest to survive another day.
I don't know how to be strong between these walls. I don't know how to hide my pain from myself. I close the apartment door and everything crashes down. Ironically, I cannot get out of here either. Completely trapped in my head. Locked in this clown cage.
How did I manage to get myself in this shit for the third time? And why would I still take you back in a blink of an eye? Hmm, like I don't already know. Because I fucking love you, this is why. Because I fucking miss you like crazy. Because once again I have to stop myself not to close this blog app and order an Uber to go see you. I hate you a bit now, knowing you sleep soundly in our bed while I light another cigarette and let the smoke clouds take me away. I wonder if you ever have nights like this too? I still love you though, so I hope you don't. Even though all my nights are like this now. Even though I don't really know when was the last night when I didn't shed a tear on a cold pillow, in a colder bed. At least I don't have to use eye make up remover so I guess I am saving money, haha.
Another forced smile. Just a smirk, actually. Genuine smiles are no longer something I hope for. How could I? When I only remember myself smiling next to you? When I only remember breathing when it was your perfume that I inhaled? You know? I couldn't find the strength to kiss him. I've felt his hands all over my body. I've felt his warmth on top of me and I turned my head and closed my eyes. I put another mask and I pretended I am just invested and changed position. I used him to satisfy my cravings, I tried like a maniac to fill that void, but could I? When I've never let him anywhere close to where the real problem was?
What could it happen? The therapist asked me today this — yes, I have a therapist now, look at me being all responsible and shit — she wanted to know what could go bad if I let him see me. But I know very well that this is not an option. I can't be truly seen now because why would he stay around? Why would one choose that part of me? You've had it. And even you decided it was too much. I guess this is the truth. At least for now.
I am afraid to admit that you are the one that confirmed my worst theories and proved me that maybe I really am broken. And while I know it is not my fault, it doesn't make it easier to cope with it. It's not manageable now just because I am aware that what happened to me was just a sick, cruel thing that no kid should go through. I really needed you to help me get through this. But I guess this is just another option which is no longer available to me. I will need to find a way to get by on my own. I've never felt more alone. I've never experienced a point as low as this. They say ignorance is bliss and while I know life doesn't work like this, I still have moments like this when I wonder if it wouldn't have been better to hide it more. I don't even know why I wrote it like this or why I am simply not erasing it, but I presume it is just how my brain works. Always looking if the shortcut is there. Unfortunately, this is what got me here. All this hiding and all the walls I have built. I tried so hard dealing with it on my own and I collapsed. I understood that I am human and that there is a breaking point for everyone. So I keep writing and crying and trying to put all my thoughts here, hoping to use this blank page like a Pensieve which will release me and allow me to get a few hours of sleep.
Another morning comes when I will need to do my magic and hide my baggy bloodshot eyes and pretend I haven't cried myself to sleep again in front of all the random people crossing paths with me. I actually think I have fooled you too. Which is more sad than funny if you think about it. Seems like you are becoming one of them. Never thought this could happen. But this is a discussion for another day. I cannot let myself go deeper into the thoughts.
I will turn off the light and start doomscrolling until I fall asleep. I have resorted to this since closing my eyes only brings you closer and it feels like you are laughing in my face.
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