Monday, January 1, 2018


Two months went by. Two months since you decided that our story has come to a point where it needed an ending. Two months when I cried all my tears and yet new ones find their way back to me everytime I let my mind run to you. Somehow though, I am still here. I will probably always be. Because you are part of my soul, you are the one that keeps me alive even though you make my heart ache and bleed. I know very well that I should find the strength to let you go, but how can I do that if you are the only link that I have with sanity? How could I just wake up one morning and say to myself while looking at you peacefully sleeping that this was the last night we spent together? You told me I am hanging in to this because I am afraid of the changes and because I don't like them. Well, maybe I am. But the thought that I will just be heartless and completely dead inside scares me like hell. So I'd rather have this pain than the numbness. I'd rather feel the thornes of what this could be in the remains of my soul than having to deal with the emptiness and the darkness that lurks around me these days. It becomes harder every day to keep up my masks and to pretend that I am fine and that my mind is not on the edge of being changed into the one thing I am petrified of and those moments with you somehow make this bearable. I know I am like those people that I used to look at and to wonder what are they thinking of, but I feel so lost right now that I really don't see other way out. I am fully aware of the fact that I am simply delaying the moment when I will have to rip you out of my life completely, but I just don't know what else to do and how to handle this differently. It hurts so much I can barely breathe. It hurts being strong around everyone else because I know that no one can fully understand and help me with what I am going through. They said this gets better with time, but somehow my path just takes me deeper and deeper into this void that consumes me. I need to hold your hand so that I can at least live with the idea that there is something for me there. Something that could lift me up and take me away from this "nothing".

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