nothing

Numb. Seems to be once again the word of the day. I am slowly getting back into my old habits. I know what works and what takes me out of that dark place where the pain is so strangely vivid. 

Putting the mask on,  getting by with the daily life and enjoying the ocasional lemonade when lemons come in your way. 

It was so surprisingly easy getting into my old coat and hiding all that broken pieces of a heart in the small box which takes away the reality. I think I expected it to be like the previous ones, but I guess one really gets better at goodbyes.

Lying to them, lying to HIM, lying the one that only tries to distract me and to make me forget. And more important, lying to myself. Writing about everything else except this black hole. Except the fucking dark part that is eating me alive and made me this shell. 

The fucking one that destroyed me. That made me question myself. Made me actually wonder if I am crazy.

I am trying so hard to keep it in, to hide it all away and to pretend it simply didn't happen. After all, for others this seems to be the perfect coping mechanism. I manage only to patch it, to put a cover on top of it, but it gets away so easily. Way too easily. Especially lately with everything going on. Especially now when HE also decided that I can take another hit. That as usual, I am the fucking strong one. This is everything I hear these days.. "oh, don't worry, you are strong". Well guess what? It is just a big fucking act. I am a major wreck. I am the one that literally has to remind myself that I need to exhale and inhale in order not to simply drop down and let everything go. I am really failing to see how this makes me the strong one. How this makes me the one in control. 

Who are we kidding here? There is nothing that I can control at this moment. I lose myself in everything, I try to get my mind away from even the smallest detail that could make me feel. I find the weirdest hobbies just to have something to do and not sit down and think. I am going around in circles, not solving anything. 

I lost HIM, I lost the only one sanity connection. I know that it was no one's fault, I know this is where life brought us and as much as I accept this, I can't keep lying to myself saying that I can just close the door and move on. 9 years with YOU being everything. 9 years of me feeling actually safe, for the first time in way way too long. And now? Two sets of keys in the keyring. One bed that is way too big and cold. And most of nights, empty. Ironic, right? I am the strong one so I've been sleeping on the couch for the past three months. Fucking strong, what can I say? 

I want to forget you. I want to forget your hands on my body. I want to forget the way you kissed me and make me shiver. Never thought I would say that. It hurts me to think of this. It hurts me that I would be able to "obliviate" you from my life. But, as much as I loved you, as I still do, this feeling of constant fear and complete vulnerability is too much. I have to admit that it is time to love me more. To choose me. I miss feeling yours so much that it literally kills me. I have days when I get to physically sick that I have to take a break. I have days when I simply forget food or water are not really optional. I have to end this cycle. I need to find a way to stop these thougths that are raising shivers down my spine. I hate this feeling of being completely useless, of being that stupid kid all over again. The one that was too young to understand how fucked up what happened was. The one that was too scared to raise her voice and shout out to the world that sick people are everywhere. I feel small again and I fucking hate it. 

So I did what I know best. I found the distraction. It came on to me almost easy and natural. Getting in my old habits and playing him exactly like a puppet ready to help and please. Eagerly, I could say. 

Yet, I chocked. And not in the good way. It was a shock, turning around and seeing another man in my bed. Casually resting, with a movie in the background. It felt staged, I felt like I was the puppet. And all that fake idea of control crashed and ruined everything. 

Now? Now I force it, I need to go on somehow. And I am fully aware that I am choosing the wrong way. Perhaps the worst one. But I need to do it like this. Cause it is the only way I know how. It is the only way to find the smallest sense of power into me. It is the fucked up way, but this only because I am the fucked up one. I've set my limits. I am fully aware of how far I am willing to go. I know what I am giving and what I expect to receive

 

Probably why I managed to find one who seems equally damaged so far. Makes it quite easier for me to be sincere. Which is a rare opportunity lately. I am in no position of denying myself any chance of fresh air. Even if it comes with the scent of a new man.