Monday, January 5, 2015

P.S., I'm happy

Dear friend,

Today I was able to woke up wearing a sincere smile, It's amazing how a little gesture like this can change my whole perception about something. I used to be afraid of getting out of my comfort zone. Actually, I still am. Only that since last night something is different. You made that possible for me. Somehow you managed to show me that I am the one in charge and that it's me who decides when things are overstepping some boundaries and I need to get back in my safe place. I admit, it wasn't very easy opening up to you and showing you the real me. I gave you the last part of my soul. The fear is constant now. The fear that you will decide to leave at some point and that I won't have anything left. What's really surprising it's the fact that I feel like I can bear that fear. That I can fight with it and overcome it. Because now I know that it will always be a part of you that will put my insecurities to sleep. And today it's enough. Maybe this was exactly what I needed. A hand to guide me in the darkness. You were there at the right moment. I have no idea if you know what you mean to me. I've tried to tell you. I really did. But the fact is that I am not very good at revealing my feelings. Telling you about how you were able to gain my trust was already a big step for me. I feel proud that I could do that. Honestly. Because I don't usually to stuff for me. As you said, I need to stop being a rabbit and to find my courage.

You know? Now I am in that new place. I have made more steps towards that mirror. I can see myself way more clear. I don't want to come back in my safe zone. I know that it's better for me if I leave my fears behind and just go with the flow. I will try to do that. It will be overwhelming, I am sure of that... All I can say for sure right now is that I like you. And that's scary. Because I think that you can be the one that will make the head of the list. I am frightened of what you can make me do. You were the only one who knew how to temper me. And you did it without making me regret it. I actually enjoy being like this. I feel like I needed it. I know that the old wild me is not far, but now I have discovered this new side and it fits me just perfect. The best combination between the devil I used to be and the angel I will never become. That's how I feel now. It doesn't mind me that I am no longer wasting nights or that I have stopped using alcohol as a method to be able to have fun. I've lost all that and it's perfect. I had my moments, now it's time to focus more on myself and on what it's good for me. Also, I've decided I will no longer let myself being driven by the ones who don't do the same thing for me. From now on I will try to be more realistic although I will not lose my dose of optimism. I want to learn how to stop letting others hurt me without me having a word to say about it. I'm done. "I am the one who matters". That's what you've said to me last night. I want to be like that too. To follow that advice. The strange thing is that today the change doesn't scare me as it used to do. Now I want to embrace it. I believe in these words and, what is more important, I believe in me. I have the necessary power to do this step without looking at what I leave behind. I can do this because what I have in front of me is more important. I want to trade tears for some smiles. It won't be easy but I don't care. I know that the road will have a lot of obstacles and that I will encounter people who will try to make me stop or to go the other way, but I will always keep in mind my main goal. My happiness. It's there. All I need to do is to be strong and to have faith in me. I'm done living for others. I will make this story about me. And I know I will succeed because I am not alone. I have amazing people with me. And they won't let me stop. You have become one of them. I will keep you in my head as final destination. Whenever I will feel lost it will be enough to see your smile and I will remember why I've started this journey and what is its purpose.

I'd like to think that someday you will read these words but I guess that this step remains too big for me at the moment. And even though you won't read them soon, I still want to thank you for taking the time to find me the key and for giving me the strength to walk out of the zone. You showed me that I was not mistaken when I have chosen you to listen to my late words. Thanks for showing that you actually care despite our differences and for letting me become that naive child once more. You made it easier for me and it was exactly what I needed then when I was starting feeling the claws of loneliness.

With love,
            a tormented heart


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