nothing.

Dor... Oare de cand n-am mai spus sau, mai bine zis, n-am mai simtit nevoia sa urlu "mi-e dor sa..."? Pare perfectiunea intruchipata, dar nu e asa. Am uitat de dor. Si nu am nimic de castigat din treaba asta. Pentru ca a uita de dor a insemnat pentru mine sa uit si de ceea ce voiam. Am uitat de asteptari, am uitat de sperante. E adevarat ce se spune, daca nu ai asteptari, nu te lovesti nici de dezamagiri. Doar ca... Daca nu astepti nimic, atunci ce te mai poate face sa te cutremuri? Ce iti mai poate aduce fiori si zambete? Presupun ca asta e partea rea a partii bune. Si totusi, oare cum ar fi acum sa simt dorul? Si mai ales, de ce simt nevoia unui suspin? Nu ar trebui sa fie asa. Ar trebui sa ma bucur ca nu imi mai incarc sufletul si cu acest sentiment. Nu reusesc, insa, sa fac asta. Nu reusesc decat sa ma complac intr-o stare de indiferenta totala. Cu toate acestea, nu imi e de ajuns. Astazi nu mai vreau asta. Vorba cantecului, "dor sa-ti fie dor". Cu asta ma lupt acum. De aceea am ales scrisul. Reusea mereu sa ma faca sa simt ceva. O persoana draga mi-a spus acum ceva timp, cand a citit cateva din randurile mele, ca eu scriu ca sa transmit sentimente. Ei bine, daca este intr-adevar asa, atunci astazi vreau sa fac asta si pentru mine. Vreau sa recitesc ce am asternut aici si sa pot spune ca am spart zidurile si ca am revenit la realitate. Nu pot sa nu ma intreb totusi, cu o oarecare senzatie de teama, daca asta e realitatea mea? Daca nu mai am la ce sa ma intorc? Raman in lumea asta de acum inainte? Oare aici este cu adevarat locul meu? Recunosc, nu am raspunsul la intrebarile astea. Adevarul este ca nici macar nu sunt sigura ca vreau sa il aflu. Caci daca ar fi unul afirmativ nu stiu cum as reactiona. Poate atunci as putea sa obtin ce vreau. Poate atunci mi-ar fi dor, stiind ca nu mai e nimic din trecut la care sa revin. Imi pastrez, totusi, o urma de optimism - nu stiu de unde gasesc intotdeauna puterea sa fac asta - si imi spun mie insami ca nu e totul terminat si ca va veni si ziua in care se va schimba ceva. In definitiv, cine as mai fi fara asta? Ce ar mai ramane?






Ma intorc totusi la ideea cu care am inceput. Mi-ar fi dor. Sincer, chiar mi-ar fi. Dar de ce sa imi fie? Ce as putea gasi in trecut de care nu am facut inca tot posibilul sa ma agat? Tot ce imi vine in minte este imaginea vechiului eu. De asta merita sa imi fie dor. De inocenta si de naivitatea pe care le aveam odata. Atunci cand am inceput drumul asta. Poate mi-ar fi dor de copilul acela care nu stia mare lucru, dar avea o inima mare. Oamenii care m-au cunoscut atunci au realizat ca m-am schimbat. Cei care nu ma stiu altfel decat asa cum sunt acum, vad in mine o persoana foarte diferita decat ceea ce incerc sa redescopar. La ce m-as intoarce? Grea intrebare. As pasi pe vechile-mi urme pentru a regasi puterea de a vedea binele in ceea ce ma inconjoara. Mi-as lua inapoi inima, asa cum era odata, intreaga, nu plina de cicatrici si de rani ce nu par a se mai opri din sangerat. N-as renunta, insa, la partea intunecata ce se simte ca acasa acum in sufletul meu. Spun asta pentru ca nu vreau sa fiu din nou vulnerabila. Nici nu cred ca as mai stii cum sa fiu asa. Mi-am ferit de lume prea mult timp partea asta. Probabil asa am si facut-o sa dispara. Nu ma mai caracterizeaza. Stiu ca undeva mai este ascunsa o farama din mine, chiar imi doresc sa o gasesc iar. Doar ca nu stiu drumul pana la ea. Nu stiu ce trebuie sa dau la o parte pentru a o descoperi. Oare ce ziduri trebui sa inlatur? Unde e? Din nou intrebari, dar niciun raspuns. Chiar as vrea sa le aflu intr-o zi. Stiu, insa, ca mai am mult de mers pana in punctul acela.

P.S., I'm happy

Dear friend,


Today I was able to woke up wearing a sincere smile, It's amazing how a little gesture like this can change my whole perception about something. I used to be afraid of getting out of my comfort zone. Actually, I still am. Only that since last night something is different. You made that possible for me. Somehow you managed to show me that I am the one in charge and that it's me who decides when things are overstepping some boundaries and I need to get back in my safe place. I admit, it wasn't very easy opening up to you and showing you the real me. I gave you the last part of my soul. The fear is constant now. The fear that you will decide to leave at some point and that I won't have anything left. What's really surprising it's the fact that I feel like I can bear that fear. That I can fight with it and overcome it. Because now I know that it will always be a part of you that will put my insecurities to sleep. And today it's enough. Maybe this was exactly what I needed. A hand to guide me in the darkness. You were there at the right moment. I have no idea if you know what you mean to me. I've tried to tell you. I really did. But the fact is that I am not very good at revealing my feelings. Telling you about how you were able to gain my trust was already a big step for me. I feel proud that I could do that. Honestly. Because I don't usually to stuff for me. As you said, I need to stop being a rabbit and to find my courage.


You know? Now I am in that new place. I have made more steps towards that mirror. I can see myself way more clear. I don't want to come back in my safe zone. I know that it's better for me if I leave my fears behind and just go with the flow. I will try to do that. It will be overwhelming, I am sure of that... All I can say for sure right now is that I like you. And that's scary. Because I think that you can be the one that will make the head of the list. I am frightened of what you can make me do. You were the only one who knew how to temper me. And you did it without making me regret it. I actually enjoy being like this. I feel like I needed it. I know that the old wild me is not far, but now I have discovered this new side and it fits me just perfect. The best combination between the devil I used to be and the angel I will never become. That's how I feel now. It doesn't mind me that I am no longer wasting nights or that I have stopped using alcohol as a method to be able to have fun. I've lost all that and it's perfect. I had my moments, now it's time to focus more on myself and on what it's good for me. Also, I've decided I will no longer let myself being driven by the ones who don't do the same thing for me. From now on I will try to be more realistic although I will not lose my dose of optimism. I want to learn how to stop letting others hurt me without me having a word to say about it. I'm done. "I am the one who matters". That's what you've said to me last night. I want to be like that too. To follow that advice. The strange thing is that today the change doesn't scare me as it used to do. Now I want to embrace it. I believe in these words and, what is more important, I believe in me. I have the necessary power to do this step without looking at what I leave behind. I can do this because what I have in front of me is more important. I want to trade tears for some smiles. It won't be easy but I don't care. I know that the road will have a lot of obstacles and that I will encounter people who will try to make me stop or to go the other way, but I will always keep in mind my main goal. My happiness. It's there. All I need to do is to be strong and to have faith in me. I'm done living for others. I will make this story about me. And I know I will succeed because I am not alone. I have amazing people with me. And they won't let me stop. You have become one of them. I will keep you in my head as final destination. Whenever I will feel lost it will be enough to see your smile and I will remember why I've started this journey and what is its purpose.


I'd like to think that someday you will read these words but I guess that this step remains too big for me at the moment. And even though you won't read them soon, I still want to thank you for taking the time to find me the key and for giving me the strength to walk out of the zone. You showed me that I was not mistaken when I have chosen you to listen to my late words. Thanks for showing that you actually care despite our differences and for letting me become that naive child once more. You made it easier for me and it was exactly what I needed then when I was starting feeling the claws of loneliness.


With love,
     
            a tormented heart