Little pieces of happiness

Ma gandisem intr-o seara ca ar trebui sa iti asociez si tie un element al naturii asa cum am facut-o pana acum cu cei care au primit mai mult sau mai putin din sufletul meu. Am decis ca cea mai potrivita este luna. Iubesc luna, iar pe tine te ... plac al dracului de tare, asa ca ar trebui sa fie o alegere corecta. De ce luna? Pentru ca am realizat ca atunci cand te vad, ma simt la fel ca atunci cand scap din "jungla asta de beton" ce ma inconjoara si ajung acasa unde ma asteapta ea de fiecare data. Asa iti simt si tie lipsa, caut ceva, dar nu stiu exact ce pana cand nu iti vad chipul. Acelasi lucru s-a intamplat si aseara. Trecuse ceva timp de cand nu mai fusesem doar noi doi si in momentul in care ai deschis usa am stiut ca erai exact ceea ce aveam nevoie ca sa revin cu picioarele pe pamant. Am reusit sa depasesc tot ceea ce tu vezi a fi defecte la tine si, odata cu ele, am putut sa le las la o parte si pe ale mele. As vrea sa am curajul sa iti spun ca am nevoie de tine. E greu, insa. Pentru ca stiu ca asta ar putea ridica o bariera intre noi. M-ai vazut pana acum ca fiind puternica si capabila sa ma descurc fara o mana care sa ma ghideze atunci cand simt ca ma ratacesc. Oare cum ai reactiona daca mi-as deschide complet sufletul in fata ta si ti-as spune ca, probabil nu as fi reusit sa ma intorc atat de repede la linia de plutire fara ca tu sa fii langa mine? O parte din mine crede ca ar fi prea multa informatie si ca ai alege sa te intorci in carapacea ta care iti asigura confortul necesar si posibilitatea de a-ti mentine zidurile ridicate. Cealalta parte, imi striga in minte ca tu deja stii toate lucrurile astea si ca esti constient ca insemni deja destul de mult pentru mine si ca nu are rost sa ma mai ascund. Ce nu pot sa ignor, insa, este zumzetul acela slab al ratiunii care e prezent in gandurile mele. Nu sunt si nu voi fi niciodata ca cele dinaintea mea, Nu ma incadrez deloc in tiparele tale. Asta ma tine la distanta si ma face sa imi pastrez pentru mine anumite ganduri si sentimente, E cel mai bine pentru amandoi asa. Stiu tot ce au insemnat ele pentru tine. Stiu prin ce ai trecut si toate gandurile ce te tineau treaz noaptea. Ai avut incredere in mine si mi le-ai impartasit. Apreciez toata sinceritatea pe care mi-ai oferit-o si, desi sunt constienta ca o meritam, dupa toata lupta pe care am dus-o, ma bucur ca sunt cea care a ramas langa tine si stiu ca, intr-o oarecare masura, si tu o faci, Ramane, totusi, incertitudinea si teama ca nu ti-ai lasa totusi orgoliul la o parte pentru mine.


As vrea sa poti vedea si tu atunci cand te uiti in oglinda, imaginea pe care o am eu in minte atunci cand e vorba de tine cel adevarat, Cred ca cel mai simplu de descris e prin a-mi folosi propriile cuvinte, pe care le-am scris acum ceva vreme despre acest subiect:

"I would really like if you could stop apologizing for silly things. I am not beside you because I want to spend my night with you. That is just a big plus. I accepted your invitation because I like the way you make me feel when we are together. I like having your arms around me, calling me "little". I am little, but being like that makes me fit perfectly in your embrace. I like all our small talks and the way that you have managed to gain confidence in me. I like how you always complain when I want to leave and that I end up staying with you for another couple of hours each time. As I have told you before, I am starting to believe more in myself and to have more faith in my own person, all of that because directly or not, you have told me that I can. I like how, in the mornings, you look at me with your sleepy face and you hug me real tight. The kind of hug that makes me think that you like that I am there. And then you just place your head near my heart and lay there, half asleep, with your eyes closed.

There are a lot of things that made me feel safe and wanted with you. Probably as many as those which made me feel the exact opposite, but I don't want to think about them.  Not now at least. I want to fill my mind and my soul with the picture of you that makes me smile. Like those moments when right before opening a video game you look at me and ask me it this is ok. I would never say no to that. Because it gives me another chance to know you better. And you are incredibly sweet when you start explaining me all that is happening there and all the steps that you make. Probably I will never be able to learn those games and to play with you at that level, even though I have promised you that I will do it someday. I bet you know are aware of that, but you still continue sharing all that information with me and I like that you want to make me a part of your world. And you manage to make me melt when you catch me staring at your face and you ask me what is going on and after I tell you that it's nothing, you just show me a shy smile and you lean and kiss me. I often feel like floating when we are alone. It's a strange sensation. You are the first person that can make me feel short electric impulses every time you touch me. It makes me wonder if what I'm feeling is something more than the regular crush. It may be possible that I have fallen too hard for you? I really don't have a clue. Or I choose not to have one because I am kinda. Scared of admitting that I have finally let anyone else burn down all my bridges. The truth is that I need you in my life. I am used to you now and I cannot change this. It feels good to open my eyes and to know that there are big chances that I find a message from you whe I reach out for my phone. And I really did miss those little moments when I smile like an idiot. I get lost in my thoughts when I look at you. I am pretty sure that you have realised that. It doesn't matter. When we are alone, I don't feel the need of hiding. This means a lot for me because it has been way too long since the last time I have been the real me around someone. I have come to the conclusion that when I close my eyes to all the things that you do wrong and when I pretend that I am not hurt by your attitude, I am simply doing something for me. It feels so damn good to be completely open with someone. There are still a lot of thoughts and feelings that I keep to myself but I feel like I have made a huge step since you are in my life and that I have learned some new things. "